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"Fatty Alternator"
Article Posted: 8/2005
Dear Mechanic Jay,
I drive a 97 Buick Skylark which just got a brand new alternator.
That's not my problem. It also got a new serpentine belt, which is
weird, because that was last replaced in 2002 when the engine tore it
to pieces. When I went to get my oil changed the guys showed me it was
fraying a little, and said I should get it replaced. I am wondering if
this is indicative of a bigger problem. The car has +171,000 miles on
it, so I know it's only a matter of time before something big goes.
Also, sometimes when I make a hard turn the car makes a high squealing
noise. What is that all about?
... Oh yeah, and my girlfriend is convinced she's fat, but she's not.
WTF?
Dear Broke,
Serpentine belts (and belts in general) should be changed every couple
of years. This will prevent them from getting torn to pieces and
leaving you stranded somewhere. I replace my belts every 60K miles,
along with a coolant flush, and new timing belt (Not Applicable to all
cars). It's just one of those regular maintenance items that will
prevent headaches in the future. The noise when you make a hard right
could be a couple of things: It could be that power steering fluid is
low, and the pump is freaking out when it is under a lot of stress. So
the 1st thing is to check your power steering fluid. It could also be a
suspension component in the front end that is worn out. The worse-case
scenario is that the steering rack is on its way out, which would be
one of those major things that you're afraid of. If the rack does go,
you may need to contact Mechanic Jay to get you a price quote. It could
also be a wheel bearing or a constant velocity joint (CV joint) in the
front axel. Given the wide range of problems that this unspecific and
general could indicate, getting this problem checked out by a trusted
local mechanic would be a good idea, as this problem could be no big
deal, or a really big deal.
Your final question about your girlfriend is actually the most
difficult part. Mechanic Jay has also dated some who were convinced
they were fat. In some cases there may have been a grain of truth to
these women’s feeling, but I digress. She will always think that she's
fat, period. And telling her that she is stupid for feeling fat, while
tempting at times, is not a wise course of action. Just tell her that
she is beautiful, that she is not fat, and that you love her. And if
she is fat, don't tell her that you "love her just the way she is" or
that "you're beautiful to me" because that is telling them that you
love them even though you think they're fat. It is a problem that you
just need to take in stride and try to ignore to the best of your
abilities, because it is definitely one of the most frustrating parts
about being with a woman. That is all the genius advice that Mechanic
Jay has for you little gear heads and lovers today, so happy motoring
and good lovin'.
***
I have an old beat up
Jeep, that makes alot of noise and smells kind of bad. I love this car,
but my girlfriend doesn't. She says it smells bad and refuses to ride
in it. The worst part is, when ever we go anywhere, she insists that we
take her car and that I drive it. The only problem is that her car is a
Pink Dodge Neon, the girliest car ever. What should I do, dump the girl
or dump the Jeep?
Sincerely,
Smelly in Seattle
***
"Driveway Habitation"
Article Posted: 3/2005
Dear Mechanic Jay,
I have a 1989 Ford Escort, it is a good car but it has a few problems:
1) I can take the keys out of the ignition while the car is running and
it doesn't turn the car off. 2) The front seats don't recline anymore.
This causes a problem when I have to live in the car with my girlfriend
in my parent's driveway. Plus my best friend has had sex in it, so I
can't really sit in it the same way anymore. Please help.
Thanks
Yipes…just yipes. Well, since you have technical questions, unlike
our other reader this month, I will answer your questions. First off it
is a Ford Escort, not "a good car". How you mistook this vehicle for a
good car is quite beyond me.
The ignition switch is does not cause any immediate danger to you. You
probably don't even need a key to start the car, although since it is
an '89 Ford Escort, but it's my guess that you need to worry about
theft. The real danger is that the switch will fail completely and you
will get stuck somewhere…Although from the sound it of you spend most
of your time living in your parents driveway, so I'm not sure moving
the car is of great importance to you either. The switch is not an easy
fix, nor is it cheap if done correctly. The correct way would be to get
a VIN (Vehicle Identification Number) coded switch from your local Ford
dealership. This is the most expensive method, but will result in you
being able to keep your current key. You other option would be to get a
used one from a local bone yard (be sure you get the key with it).
After you have the part you can 1) do it yourself or 2) pay your local
guy to do it or 3) pay me to do it.
As for your seats, I find it difficult to believe that the seats in
your car ever reclined. First you should check the back seat for
anything blocking movement of the seat, such as your life's
possessions. (I figure this is likely for you since you live in your
car, with your girlfriend). Other popular seat blocking items include,
trash, dead cats, missing friends. If nothing is obstructing the seat,
and you're sure the problem is with the seat itself, then your best
option is to get a couple of seats from a junk yard. They can probably
be had for about $10-$20 each, and will come out by taking out four
bolts.
Now let’s get to the non-technical issues with your vehicle. 1) You
live in it with your girlfriend in your parent’s driveway…where to
begin?
Okay your first job is to either get a job so you can get a place of
your own (or at least a bigger car). Or do whatever it is that your mom
wants you to do so you can live in the house. Because really is it
worth living outside to get out of rubbing the corns on your moms feet
nightly? Hmmm…okay, so like I said a bigger car or a place or your own.
If your girlfriend will live with you in the car she is one of two
things. The sweetest person in the world and will stick with you
through think and thin, in which case good job, keep her. Or she is a
certified psycho because she is content with living with you in your
car in your parent's driveway, in which case, kick her out of your car
and move on.
As for the best friend having sex in it, I hope that you weren't in the
car when it happened or participating in the event (unless your friend
is a hot chick, which seems unlikely). The only remedy for this is lots
of Lysol, a steam cleaner, and a baseball bat. The first two items are
for the car, the third for your friend. Your situation is so sad and
pathetic that it is beyond my comprehension. I could go on for hours
about how you should and can fix your life, but your puny intellect may
not be able to absorb it all at once, so try these few things first,
and write back soon.
***
"Ground Glass"
Article Posted: 3/2004
dear mechanic day,
i went to visit my buddy at school and i took my parents' car and
parked it outside the house, and when i came back the back windshield
was smashed by a rock. i think the train might have kicked some loose
rock into the car, but i'm inclined to blame a stoner asshole who lives
inside, because i don't like him. what should i do about the
windshield, and does ground glass in coffee really work, over time?
1) It's Mechanic Jay.
2) You computer has a shift key, please use it.
3) As I have no real experience in killing people via substances in
their coffee, or by any other means I might add, I am unable to answer
your question.
4) As for your windshield, you should get it fixed. Sorry you have to
pay someone for this, as it is a skill that takes a lot of practice. If
done improperly it can lead to another broken windshield, water leaks,
and glue all over the inside of your car, etc. Now if you happen to own
a 15 year old beater, then you probably have all these problems
already, in which case, go for it what have you got to loose, but since
it is your parent's car, they may notice.
5) Now the smart thing would have been to get a police report on the
incident, and then try to get Amtrak or whatever train runs on that
line to pay for your windshield. Or if you have proof that the stoner
did it take him to small claims court. Once again that would have been
the smart thing to do, which seems like a challenge for the people who
write to me.
Are there any intelligent people out there with questions?
…Anyone?
***
"Inserted"
Article Posted: 2/2004
Dear Mechanic Jay,
I own a 97 Buick Skylark and live with my parents. I don't get out
much, and have been having trouble in the dating scene. What would you
do to remedy this, and how do you know whether your wheels are out of
alignment? Thanks.
(insert funny name here)
Dear Inserted,
Believe it or not, I once shared a similar problem. Not the problem of
owning a 97 Buick, but the problem of having trouble on dating scene
while living with my parents. I'll address your technical question
first, as these are usually the easiest. Wheel alignments are an
important part of regular maintenance of you vehicle. Having an
alignment performed every couple of years is not a bad idea, especially
if you happen to live in North Jersey where your front end gets
hammered every winter with potholes that could eat a VW. It's
impossible to get measurements of your camber, caster, toe, etc with
out specialized tools and/or a lot of experience. But for the average
person, you can perform the following tests on your car to get a
general idea of how good (or bad) your alignment is. First, look at
your tires, if one edge (inside or outside) is significantly more worn
out than the other; chances are you have an alignment issue. Second is
to inflate your tires to the proper pressure and drive down a straight
road. Remove your hands from the wheel (please make sure that there is
no traffic and or small children around) and observe the behavior of
the car. If it stays more or less straight, then you're good. If the
car pulls to one side or the other a lot, you may have an alignment
issue. Take it to your local garage and see what they can do for you.
About this woman problem, the best remedy for dating (or lack there of)
is to get out and meet people. It sounds like perhaps you are in little
bit of a rut, so trying new things and going new places may help. The
other thing that will help you is to move the hell out of your parents'
house. This will help with your confidence and also, assuming that you
meet a girl, you have a place to bring her back to. Now make sure that
your place is neat, clean, and shows your personality. Not a barren
wasteland with a bed in the corner that will provoke a C-3P0 like
response of, "What a desolate place this is!"
Seriously, if the main obstacle to you finding a date, is that you
frequent places like SMBFC.net instead of hanging out in the cool young
people places around your town/city. So my final advice to you is to
get off your computer, get out of your parents house, and go meet new
people, even if it means coming to Jersey to do it. We have a lot of
hot single women here, especially in the summer on the Boardwalk.
***
"Smelly Jeep"
Article Posted: 2/2004
I have an old beat up
Jeep, that makes alot of noise and smells kind of bad. I love this car,
but my girlfriend doesn't. She says it smells bad and refuses to ride
in it. The worst part is, when ever we go anywhere, she insists that we
take her car and that I drive it. The only problem is that her car is a
Pink Dodge Neon, the girliest car ever. What should I do, dump the girl
or dump the Jeep?
Sincerely,
Smelly in Seattle
Dear Smelly,
It sounds like you are having a common problem. First off, it sounds
like you are kind of a poor bastard. Not poor as in I feel sorry for
you, but poor as in you have no money and probably try to sneak into
the movies for free. Since you are poor, your house is probably nothing
to write home about, if you even have a house. In fact, you seem like
the kind of loser who is in his mid 20's and still living in his
parent's basement. That being said, let's get to the subject of your
car. Since your house clearly can not be your castle, your car must
fulfill the role of your castle. This means that you should be taking
better care of your car so that it doesn't smell. Clearly you are not
the kind of person who cares about that sort of thing. What you should
do first is clean out your car and find the source of the smell. Use
caution as it may be considered a biohazard. My advice is to find some
respect for you car and take care of it. That brings us to the issue
with your woman. You have three options here.
1) Grow a pair and tell her that you are the man and that she can ride
in your car because you refuse to drive her gay-mobile. This will
result in two possibilities.
a) She will respect you and obey you like a good woman should. You win.
b) She seems more like the type that has a bigger pair than you could
ever grow, will beat you into submission, and make your life a living
hell. That or she will just break up with you. Either way you lose.
2) Clean your car and get rid of the smell which means that the two of
you can take your car.
3) Keep your car, dump the woman, and find one who will appreciate you
for your Jeep. Unfortunately that is also the kind of woman who
probably attends Knight Realms and has crazy troll sex in the woods
while making you watch. Once again, you lose.
After reviewing your situation I have come to the conclusion that no
matter what you do you lose because you are a big loser. In fact, you
should probably get in your Jeep and drive it off a cliff to end your
miserable life. I hope this helps.
"I'll fix your shit eight times out of ten. Now serving number nine." -
Mechanic Jay
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