Classic Pwned's

 Star Wars

Star Wars, Episode IV: A New Hope

By: Sal

Last Posted: June, '06

No one can think of the original Star Wars Trilogy without thinking of some truly amazing, nearly epic "pwnage" moments. The Stormtrooper who clocks his head against the door, Luke trying to hold his own against a Tuscan Raider, and of course, the Emperor taking a header into an inexplicably-placed, metallic chasm. But I think the grandest pwning anyone received in all of Star Wars history (at least, the ones we actually get to see), are these poor space-schmucks:


Almost forgot about the entire planet of Alderaan, didn't ya? Yep, entire planet of people wiped off the face of the galaxy. I'd say that's an ultimate Pwned moment, if ever there was one.


The only vexing part of the destruction of Alderaan is Obi Wan's rather lackluster reaction to "a million voices" being "suddenly silenced" on the Falcon. I mean dude, a PLANET full of people were just snuffed out. I mean, I don't pretend to know what it must be like to wield the Force as a Jedi Knight, but if we could equate the experience of everyday Earth life and  Jedi reactions to bad things happening, I would probably diagnose Obi Wan's reaction to the death of a planet to be that of a slight case of vertigo. Perhaps he ate a bad wamprat, or possibly a holdover of heat exhaustion. Maybe his insulin level is low. Either way, it's a pretty low-key response to planetary genocide. But let's say it's canon, and Obi Wan's reaction, through the Force, was completely appropriate. That would mean the Force considers one planet to be the equivalent of a mild case of Wussy Whiteboy's Disease (that feeling after you stand up too fast).


If we took some liberties and said the planet of Alderaan were the same size, density, and mass population of this reality's Earth, it would place the number of lives erased at 6,549,717,586 (according to the Census Bureau on 10/11/06). Now, according to Princess Leia (whose opinion about her own government, being the Princess, I think we can trust), Alderaan has "no weapons." If that's the case, and the planet truly is "peaceful," as she said, that would mean if we were to transfer that to this planet's census, we would have to bring back all people killed by violent crimes. Now, according to the CDC (, "Each year, violence results in 1.6 million deaths worldwide." Let's assume Alderaan's Peace Policy has been in effect for at least a year. If that's the case, we just add that to the total population, and we get something around 6,551,317,586 living people at that/this time. This means that over six and a half billion people died at the hands of a dude in an oversized helmet, and the Force interpreted that as a mild nudge to an elderly man. This means one of three things:

  • Alderaan is made up mostly of water and Alderinians aren't subterranean people, by nature, meaning there was a significantly smaller population living on Alderaan at the time

  • There are so many species, civilizations and planets in the galaxy, 6.5 billion people just ain't that much

  • The Force is a dick

I'm willing to put my money on the second option, but seeing the new trilogy really makes me re-consider changing to number three.


So there you have it! The very first pwnage moment in classic cinema history! What movie moment will we single out next? Only time, and my DVD collection, will tell...



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