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By: Sal
Last Posted: June, '06
No one can think of the
original Star Wars Trilogy without thinking of some truly amazing,
nearly epic "pwnage" moments. The Stormtrooper who clocks his head
against the door, Luke trying to hold his own against a Tuscan Raider,
and of course, the Emperor taking a header into an inexplicably-placed,
metallic chasm. But I think the grandest pwning anyone received in all
of Star Wars history (at least, the ones we actually get to see), are
these poor space-schmucks:
Almost forgot about the
entire planet of Alderaan, didn't ya? Yep, entire planet of people
wiped off the face of the galaxy. I'd say that's an ultimate Pwned
moment, if ever there was one.
The only vexing part of
the destruction of Alderaan is Obi Wan's rather lackluster reaction to
"a million voices" being "suddenly silenced" on the Falcon. I mean
dude, a PLANET full of people were just snuffed out. I mean, I don't
pretend to know what it must be like to wield the Force as a Jedi
Knight, but if we could equate the experience of everyday Earth life
and Jedi reactions to bad things happening, I would probably
diagnose Obi Wan's reaction to the death of a planet to be that of a
slight case of vertigo. Perhaps he ate a bad wamprat, or possibly a
holdover of heat exhaustion. Maybe his insulin level is low. Either
way, it's a pretty low-key response to planetary genocide. But let's
say it's canon, and Obi Wan's reaction, through the Force, was
completely appropriate. That would mean the Force considers one planet
to be the equivalent of a mild case of Wussy Whiteboy's Disease (that
feeling after you stand up too fast).
If we took some liberties
and said the planet of Alderaan were the same size, density, and mass
population of this reality's Earth, it would place the number of lives
erased at 6,549,717,586 (according to the Census Bureau on 10/11/06).
Now, according to Princess Leia (whose opinion about her own
government, being the Princess, I think we can trust), Alderaan has "no
weapons." If that's the case, and the planet truly is "peaceful," as
she said, that would mean if we were to transfer that to this planet's
census, we would have to bring back all people killed by violent
crimes. Now, according to the CDC (www.cdc.gov), "Each year, violence
results in 1.6 million deaths worldwide." Let's assume Alderaan's Peace
Policy has been in effect for at least a year. If that's the case, we
just add that to the total population, and we get something around
6,551,317,586 living people at that/this time. This means that over six
and a half billion people died at the hands of a dude in an oversized
helmet, and the Force interpreted that as a mild nudge to an elderly
man. This means one of three things:
-
Alderaan is made up
mostly of water and Alderinians aren't subterranean people, by nature,
meaning there was a significantly smaller population living on Alderaan
at the time
-
There are so many
species, civilizations and planets in the galaxy, 6.5 billion people
just ain't that much
-
The Force is a dick
I'm willing to put my
money on the second option, but seeing the new trilogy really makes me
re-consider changing to number three.
So there you have it! The
very first pwnage moment in classic cinema history! What movie moment
will we single out next? Only time, and my DVD collection, will tell...
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