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Ray Romano Sucks Balls

By: Crivelliman - 2/22/04

I hate Ray Romano. What's more, I hate his show, "Everybody Loves Raymond" even more (but I'll get on that soon enough). Everything about him screams, "I'm so irritating, the mere sight of my awkward, gangly appearance, let alone my nauseating voice, will make you go into dry heaves!"

"Everybody Loves Raymond" I think must have started out as an exercise to see what TV viewers would actually be willing to sit through and watch for half an hour every week. It has to be, because as blindingly annoying as Ray Romano is by himself, the geniuses who made up the show managed to cast a set of actors to be as annoying, if not MORE annoying, than him (see Patricia Heaton). I remember accidentally turning that show on once, and my eyes bled for a week. The show is such a vile, offensive affront on the human experience! I remember after sitting through half an episode thinking to myself, "I thought rape was illegal in this country. Apparently not, because these callous, infectious, pain-inducing freaks manage to invade nearly ever venerable part of our bodies!"

The title is equally insulting. "Everybody Loves Raymond." It's like the McDonalds mantra: "You want fries with that?" It's not a question. If it were, it would begin with words like, "do," or "would." The seller is saying, "You want fries with that," so you'll think, subconsciously, "Oh, I guess I want fries with that. The pimple-face told me so." So it is with "ELR." The networks and show creators know everybody doesn't really like Raymond. In fact, most people think he has the acting capability of road kill, and the humor of an infected boil. "But if we tell people that everybody likes him, they'll automatically assume that since everybody already loves him, they might as well watch the show." The freaking show has been on since 1996! That's nearly a decade of mind-numbing swill that's been going on, diseasing our country with programming that makes Fran Dreshner go, "Woah. Now that is annoying! Nyahahahahahahaha!" until someone puts a bazooka to her brain.

The characters in "ELR" are insulting because they expect you, the viewers (because I sure as hell don't watch the damn show), to believe that there are actually real people like this. Amazingly, they found the female equivalent of Ray Romano's suckage, played out by a woman whose character's personality is only comparable to a five-car collision. And even though she is a brain-melting pain in the ass, that says nothing about the mother from the Black Lagoon; a character who would force any couple to not only immediately divorce each other, but commit several acts of horrible murder as well. Who else would be involved in the mass homicide? Try Ray's brother, a retarded man integrating himself into society, one living room at a time, and his incontinent father who used to be funny back in 1974 ("Young Frankenstein).

Ray Romano doesn't just suck on television and in comedy. He has proven to all movie studios that you don't always make a hundred million dollars on a CG movie with a star-studded cast. Ray once again drags another medium into the sewage from whence he was spawned, but this time people actually responded accordingly. "Ice Age" sucked the big one, and compared to its "cousins," did abysmally. And somehow, in spite of it all, not only does his show win Emmys, but he is also the highest paid actor in television with $1.8 million an episode. This man makes 1.8 million dollars to bumble around and act like the biggest, whipped douche bag on the planet, while the rest of us are just puttering around the world actually working for a living? However, Ray Romano does serve his purpose, friends. Guys, if ever you think your friend is being a big tool, or is so whipped you expect him to have lashes on his back, just turn on the tube and click on "Everybody Loves Raymond." You'll immediately be silenced by the sheer awesome power of suck that the show emanates, and suddenly appreciate the kinship you have with each other, because the world can unite under one voice, proclaiming, "Everybody Thinks Ray Romano is a Funny-Looking, No-Talent, Douche-Hack." And yes, that's right. I created a new word. I'm an English major; I can do that.


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