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By: Crivelliman - 2/22/04
I hate Ray Romano. What's
more, I hate his show, "Everybody Loves Raymond" even more (but I'll
get on that soon enough). Everything about him screams, "I'm so
irritating, the mere sight of my awkward, gangly appearance, let alone
my nauseating voice, will make you go into dry heaves!"
"Everybody Loves Raymond" I think must have started out as an exercise
to see what TV viewers would actually be willing to sit through and
watch for half an hour every week. It has to be, because as blindingly
annoying as Ray Romano is by himself, the geniuses who made up the show
managed to cast a set of actors to be as annoying, if not MORE
annoying, than him (see Patricia Heaton). I remember accidentally
turning that show on once, and my eyes bled for a week. The show is
such a vile, offensive affront on the human experience! I remember
after sitting through half an episode thinking to myself, "I thought
rape was illegal in this country. Apparently not, because these
callous, infectious, pain-inducing freaks manage to invade nearly ever
venerable part of our bodies!"
The title is equally insulting. "Everybody Loves Raymond." It's like
the McDonalds mantra: "You want fries with that?" It's not a question.
If it were, it would begin with words like, "do," or "would." The
seller is saying, "You want fries with that," so you'll think,
subconsciously, "Oh, I guess I want fries with that. The pimple-face
told me so." So it is with "ELR." The networks and show creators know
everybody doesn't really like Raymond. In fact, most people think he
has the acting capability of road kill, and the humor of an infected
boil. "But if we tell people that everybody likes him, they'll
automatically assume that since everybody already loves him, they might
as well watch the show." The freaking show has been on since 1996!
That's nearly a decade of mind-numbing swill that's been going on,
diseasing our country with programming that makes Fran Dreshner go,
"Woah. Now that is annoying! Nyahahahahahahaha!" until someone puts a
bazooka to her brain.
The characters in "ELR" are insulting because they expect you, the
viewers (because I sure as hell don't watch the damn show), to believe
that there are actually real people like this. Amazingly, they found
the female equivalent of Ray Romano's suckage, played out by a woman
whose character's personality is only comparable to a five-car
collision. And even though she is a brain-melting pain in the ass, that
says nothing about the mother from the Black Lagoon; a character who
would force any couple to not only immediately divorce each other, but
commit several acts of horrible murder as well. Who else would be
involved in the mass homicide? Try Ray's brother, a retarded man
integrating himself into society, one living room at a time, and his
incontinent father who used to be funny back in 1974 ("Young
Frankenstein).
Ray Romano doesn't just suck on television and in comedy. He has proven
to all movie studios that you don't always make a hundred million
dollars on a CG movie with a star-studded cast. Ray once again drags
another medium into the sewage from whence he was spawned, but this
time people actually responded accordingly. "Ice Age" sucked the big
one, and compared to its "cousins," did abysmally. And somehow, in
spite of it all, not only does his show win Emmys, but he is also the
highest paid actor in television with $1.8 million an episode. This man
makes 1.8 million dollars to bumble around and act like the biggest,
whipped douche bag on the planet, while the rest of us are just
puttering around the world actually working for a living? However, Ray
Romano does serve his purpose, friends. Guys, if ever you think your
friend is being a big tool, or is so whipped you expect him to have
lashes on his back, just turn on the tube and click on "Everybody Loves
Raymond." You'll immediately be silenced by the sheer awesome power of
suck that the show emanates, and suddenly appreciate the kinship you
have with each other, because the world can unite under one voice,
proclaiming, "Everybody Thinks Ray Romano is a Funny-Looking,
No-Talent, Douche-Hack." And yes, that's right. I created a new word.
I'm an English major; I can do that.
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