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I Hate People

By: Keenan - 10/01/04

I hate people. This may sound like a harsh statement, but those of you who know me already understand what I mean by it, and for those of you who don't, I will spend the next few weeks explaining many of the ways that people piss me off on a daily basis. Over time you will all come to know the many ways that people are stupid and useless, and hopefully one day enough of us will be "educated" that we will be able to solve this cancer of senselessness that plagues our world.

For my first argument as to the absurdity that is mankind I would like to point to most people's inability to properly transport themselves from one location to another. People are born with legs. These seem to be objects that to me would be almost self explanatory as to their usage, yet many of the vile miscreants that inhabit our planet have yet to figure out how to properly work these ever-so-useful appendages. A perfect example of this tomfoolery happened the other day as I was headed home from a long day of school. I was about to walk down the stairs into the subway station when I noticed that a mass of dumb was blocking my way. It became apparent that two people had decided that the top of the stairs was the perfect place for them to have a conversation, and not only had they decided that the stairway was the best place to do this, but that they must also stand perpendicular to the flow of people so as to block the maximum amount of space on the narrow stairwell.

This was soon followed up by an incident on the elevator that again demonstrates people's lack of intelligence and their understanding of special relations and their own movement. I was standing in the back of an elevator that was completely full of people. Directly in front of me was a girl, and directly in front of her was her boyfriend. When we came to the floor where these two brilliant young scholars were headed, the boy stood where he was to allow the girl, who was behind him, to get off before him. This meant that the boy stood there, forced the people next to him to move off of the elevator, and watched as the girl got off. She then stood directly in-front of where she had stepped out, blocking the door for other people trying to get off while her male companion stepped out of the contraption.

Another way in which people routinely fail the test of humanity is when the enter subways or elevators. Inevitably the first person will step in the door, and then immediately stop, as if they are the only person who is getting on. This is especially fun in a crowded subway when the first two people step in side-by-side and then both stop. This effectively blocks the entire door, causing every person behind them to force their way between the two people, who of course give everyone a dirty look for have the audacity of making them move to the side by two inches. Even if you walk all the way into the middle of the fucking car it takes the train exactly the same amount of time to get to your stop. The four seconds that you save by standing next to the door is not going to make a difference in your life. Those weren't going to be the four seconds in which you, the high school drop out working in the mail-room suddenly cured cancer and solved the world's hunger problems.

These are only some of the recent examples of the many ways in which people can fail in their test of life. My proposition is that we grant a small number of people the right to carry a small device which when applied to humans would administer an electric shock strong enough to case all brain and heart functions to stop. The people who are given these devices would be allowed to use them on any one that they feel has failed the test of life. A great example of a class of people like this are those folks who ride down the escalator and when they get off walk slower then the escalator was going, causing people behind them to either have to push them over of walk backwards on the moving stairs.

In my next installment I will point out more ways in which people fail the test of life. My goal is that one day everyone will feel as I do, and we will be able to get to work on handing out those "death prods.


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