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By: Chafin - 2/12/04
As some of you may know,
I am an avid follower of world events, and after watching the opening
monologue of "Late Night with Conan O'Brian" (my #1 news source), I got
to thinking about all the problems of the world. I realized that there
are a lot of problems in the world, and as soon as a saw a special
report on one, there would be two new special reports being produced.
So I began to think about what I, your average American, might be able
to do about these problems plaguing our world. Now, this is the point
at which many would choose to devote their lives (or maybe even just a
fraction of their lives) to activism or volunteer work of some kind,
but not me! I'm not getting sucked into one of those death traps of the
righteous. Instead, I have devised a plan that would allow me to solve
not some, but ALL the world's problems. Yes, that's right. No problem
could be unsolved if I, the man of men, had laser vision.
Some of you may have been brought up by wolves or lizard creatures, and
as such might not understand what I'm talking about. Allow me to
explain. Laser vision is the superhuman ability to generate and project
either red, or perhaps bright blue, beams of ferocious heat from one's
eyeballs at will (without harm to the eyes themselves, or surrounding
tissues). Examples of this strange power can be found in sources such
as comic books, cartoons, and movies. Ideally, this power would be
implemented without any sort of mediating device, such as a visor or
glasses, needed to prevent the lasers to be expelled on a constant
basis, nor would it cease functioning at inconvenient times.
I can tell that some of you are skeptics. You say, "Oh yes, it sounds
like a wonderful power, Sam, but I doubt you could really solve every
problem in the world with it." Well allow me to prove it to you. Let's
take a big, attention-grabbing problem like world hunger. The answer is
quite simple really. You see, everywhere I go, I see multitudes of
small birds and rodents using up valuable resources, such as scraps of
food and air. With my laser vision I could easily convert these
annoying, disease-bearing little monsters into freshly cooked meat for
the starving people of the world to enjoy, not to mention eliminate my
own need for supermarkets and material wealth.
But hey, anybody can solve a really big problem like world hunger. What
about the personal stuff? I can solve that too. Let's say I need a
date. All I have to do is select a woman to be my date, and, with my
trusty laser vision, systematically disintegrate all her other male
acquaintances. Too much work? I'll do you one better. As soon as I find
her, I could just as easily burn a hole in the wall of her house and
inform her that she can either go on the date, or be converted back
into her base elements. Piece of cake!
Okay, so dating is a pretty small problem, but let's take it even
smaller. The devil's in the details after all. Let's say it's a rainy
day, and you don't feel like getting up. Have no fear, cuz here comes
Sam and his laser vision to let the sun shine in! All I have to do is
turn my noodle skyward, and after a couple blasts, those rain clouds
will all be burned away, and it will be yet another bright and
productive day for everyone.
I look forward to reading your letters. Good luck, and look to the
future!
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