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The Importance of Laser Vision

By: Chafin - 2/12/04

As some of you may know, I am an avid follower of world events, and after watching the opening monologue of "Late Night with Conan O'Brian" (my #1 news source), I got to thinking about all the problems of the world. I realized that there are a lot of problems in the world, and as soon as a saw a special report on one, there would be two new special reports being produced. So I began to think about what I, your average American, might be able to do about these problems plaguing our world. Now, this is the point at which many would choose to devote their lives (or maybe even just a fraction of their lives) to activism or volunteer work of some kind, but not me! I'm not getting sucked into one of those death traps of the righteous. Instead, I have devised a plan that would allow me to solve not some, but ALL the world's problems. Yes, that's right. No problem could be unsolved if I, the man of men, had laser vision.

Some of you may have been brought up by wolves or lizard creatures, and as such might not understand what I'm talking about. Allow me to explain. Laser vision is the superhuman ability to generate and project either red, or perhaps bright blue, beams of ferocious heat from one's eyeballs at will (without harm to the eyes themselves, or surrounding tissues). Examples of this strange power can be found in sources such as comic books, cartoons, and movies. Ideally, this power would be implemented without any sort of mediating device, such as a visor or glasses, needed to prevent the lasers to be expelled on a constant basis, nor would it cease functioning at inconvenient times.

I can tell that some of you are skeptics. You say, "Oh yes, it sounds like a wonderful power, Sam, but I doubt you could really solve every problem in the world with it." Well allow me to prove it to you. Let's take a big, attention-grabbing problem like world hunger. The answer is quite simple really. You see, everywhere I go, I see multitudes of small birds and rodents using up valuable resources, such as scraps of food and air. With my laser vision I could easily convert these annoying, disease-bearing little monsters into freshly cooked meat for the starving people of the world to enjoy, not to mention eliminate my own need for supermarkets and material wealth.

But hey, anybody can solve a really big problem like world hunger. What about the personal stuff? I can solve that too. Let's say I need a date. All I have to do is select a woman to be my date, and, with my trusty laser vision, systematically disintegrate all her other male acquaintances. Too much work? I'll do you one better. As soon as I find her, I could just as easily burn a hole in the wall of her house and inform her that she can either go on the date, or be converted back into her base elements. Piece of cake!

Okay, so dating is a pretty small problem, but let's take it even smaller. The devil's in the details after all. Let's say it's a rainy day, and you don't feel like getting up. Have no fear, cuz here comes Sam and his laser vision to let the sun shine in! All I have to do is turn my noodle skyward, and after a couple blasts, those rain clouds will all be burned away, and it will be yet another bright and productive day for everyone.

I look forward to reading your letters. Good luck, and look to the future!


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