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Back-Up Boyfriends: Explained & Exposed

By: Crivelliman - 5/12/04

I’ve had enough. God damn it, I’ve had more than enough. I’ve had e-fucking-nough of something that’s been going on for years, and I’m tired of being quiet about it. I’m going to talk to you today about back-up boyfriends.

Know what that means? Never heard of it? Know it all too well? For the new folks, bear with me. The back-up boyfriend has been around since people started dating each other. This is the guy that hangs all over your girlfriend when you’re in public or at school, the guy who calls your girlfriend or whatever when you’re not around, they go shopping and shit. You know who this guy is, and I’m exposing the motherfucker.

Ladies! I want you to take a good, long look at your list of friends. How many are guys? Only a couple? Picking him out won’t be too hard then. Quite a few? Hmm. We’ll get to that. How about we just go with “only a couple”?

All right. Picking out the back-up boyfriend is really simple, so long as you aren't already aware that he is the back-up boyfriend and you’re not in denial. Do you have a “friend” who calls you up and talks to you for hours about your personal feelings and dreams or what clouds look like or whatever? Ever feel like going out shopping and want to hear how great you look but don’t want to sleep with anybody, so you call this guy friend, and not only is he not busy, but he’ll offer to drive? Yep. That’s him. And nope, he isn’t interested in fashion. The only interest he has in your clothes is getting to take them off. Plain and simple. Sorry, sweetheart. This is a back-up boyfriend. Ever notice how quick he is to offer a hug (or maybe a peck on the cheek) when you’ve had a problem with your parents, or (jackpot!) a fight with your boyfriend? And notice how quick the conversation turns from how you’re feeling to his “belief in relationships” and all that crap about “compatibility?” Yeah. He’s trying to get you to dump him. Sad, I know. What’s sadder about this endeavor is his personality. Or rather, I should probably say, “lack thereof.”

This cheese-doodle gorging tool has no personality. He met you by chance, and managed to squeeze into your little circle of friends probably when you had a momentary attack of social conscience and felt bad for the sucker. Unfortunately, like when you step in gum at the park, he’s stuck there and he ain’t goin’ anywhere. The thing is: he didn’t deserve your charity. Like most people, he needed to develop a personality and go out and talk to people. But no, he’d rather just watch people and take photography courses because he “loves nature.” Another way you might be able to weed him out (and yes, “weed” means other things, you pot-smoking assclowns; get a fucking job) is if he has ever asked you out, or has ever, during your late-night soul-connections, asked that totally un-hypothetical question about “what it would be like” if you two dated, to which you promptly opened the bullshit factory and employed about ten thousand employees to make up reasons why you could never see yourself with him. It’s usually after this that the guy has made up his mind that he’s going to become what he would never call “a back-up boyfriend.” See, he saw all your time together not as a series of beautiful moments like the way Robert Frost looks at a dewy morning or whatever. He sees you like a greedy Wall Street investor sees a Martha Stewart stock: as an investment. He’s not going to cash in his chips just because he’s down a couple of points. So he waits. And then, no duh, you end up with a guy who you do want to date, and then the cycle of pathetic, completely graceless behavior that the back-up boyfriend requires to exist, begins.

The other big thing about the back-up boyfriend is his monumentally strong wall of denial. See, this is the thing he either doesn’t get, or doesn’t want to get, about being the back-up boyfriend that he didn’t count on. The punch-line to all of this is: he’s never going to score! He thinks you’ll have a big fight, and God-willing, you’ll break up (at least for a few hours, until he calls), and you’ll need some comfort. He’s counting on the “rebound effect,” where you’ll be so in need of something to fill that void you’ll cheapen yourself and make out with him. Joke’s on him, though! Dopey bastard.Bottom line for this guy: not interested in what you’re doing. If he isn’t looking for someone else, or isn’t dating anybody, or isn’t gay, he’s looking for that “perfect moment” you’ve always wanted and described to him dozens of times on the phone “as a friend.”

Now, if you’re one of those people who has lots of guy friends and it’s tough to decipher who is trying to get you to “score” with them, let me make it easier for you. How many of them want to get into your pants? How about...all of them?

To be fair, some of them actually aren’t looking to score with you. The gay ones, they’re not. The ones in relationships… ahh, they do too, but not all the time. Sometimes there are some who aren’t interested. Like if you went out with them, and you broke up and there was no infidelity involved, then sometimes a friendship can get salvaged from there without any major interest in sex. Also, and rarely, there are those who just don’t want to have sex with you. It’s not that they’re taken, they’re not. It’s not that they’re gay, they’re not. They just aren’t interested. They’re cool, and you have to be careful not to get them in your sights. They’re usually the smart ones, so they’re probably clever enough to separate themselves from looking like a back-up boyfriend.

Now this isn’t to say that women are blameless. Oh, no. Ladies, many of you are just as much to blame for this as these jokers are. You see, lots of girls like support. They like to feel good about themselves. Back-up boyfriends are great for that! They’ll tell you everything you want to hear, and you feel no obligation to sleep with them, because you’re with somebody! Or, you just don’t want to. That’s cool. They’ll still be there, so long as you’re still there to lead them on. “Well, maybe…” I think the word “maybe” was invented just for women to use on guys they don’t want to go out with. I mean come on. You want to go out? Why would you wait? Why would you say “maybe” unless you planned on dicking them over? Maybe? Ptsh. More like maybe you’re a bitch.


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