By: Brooks - 4/06/04

Almost everyone in Jersey has spent a significant amount of time in diners. But it appears that most of these people don't seem to know any diner etiquette. Here's a few short rules people need to learn:

1. When a waitress asks for a drink order give her the drink order. We didn't ask you to go into food yet. Tell them you are ready to order because most of the time, you sound like a jackass if you say you want a hamburger. Can you drink a hamburger? Didn't think so. We might try to puree it and force you to drink it through a straw.

2. Don't order milkshakes at one in the morning. We've been there too many hours to want to take the effort toward making you sugar fiend scum suckers a stupid milkshake that you usually seem to bitch about anyway ("this isn't thick enough", "it doesn't have enough chocolate", "where's the whipped cream?"). We don't have the time or energy to spend. Usually we just tell people like you that the milkshake machine is broken and let you whine about it the rest of the night. We really aren't listening nor caring, if that's all you really wanted.

3. If one person at the table needs a refill on a drink and you need one to ask right away. Don't send us running back because you suddenly realized that your coffee cup has been empty for the last five minutes but failed to say anything the first time. We have an old coffee pot burning for people like you.

4. Don't EVER snap your fingers, bang a glass, or pick up your cup and start motioning toward it as if your caffeine fix needs to be filled in the next five seconds or you may die. We would enjoy watching you start writhing in pain because you spent 10 minutes without coffee.

5. If we are carrying plates to your table don't ask us for something while our arms are still full. We obviously can't get it for you right then and it makes us want to take a ketchup bottle and wing it at your head.

6. If you see we are busy, quietly wait for us to get to you. Don't start giving us dirty looks because you think your god. Don't expect us to suck up to you because you're a customer. The customer is always wrong at a diner. If you want to be right go to a five star restaurant. Don't plague us with your useless demands. We don't make enough to wait on you hand and foot. We are a fucking diner for god's sake.

And if you happen to be one of these stupid people, let a friend order for you. Don't ask us dumb questions, such as (and these are all true):

- "Does your grilled cheese have meat in it? Because I need it specially made without meat."

- "Can I have a waffle sundae?" What kind of ice cream do you want on it? "It comes with Ice cream?!?!"

- "Can you make us a banana split so we can see if it is big enough before we decide to buy it? After all, we don't want to get ripped off."

- "I would like the twin lobster tail dinner." At a diner? You have got to be kidding me. We have it, but why would anyone want to eat it?

- "Is your coffee Columbian? We won't drink anything else."

- "Can I have a screwdriver?" We don't have a liquor license. "Oh. I'll just have a beer then."

In short, we are waitresses and don't have the time or patience for your feckless demands. They are trivial to our lives. Ask us nicely, say thank you, and give us some respect. Most of us work a 12 hour shift on our feet so, for making our job harder, we reserve the right to give you shitty service. So next time you're in a diner, put yourself in our shoes and don't be stupid.


Copyright 2004-2006 SMBFC.net, Jason Howe & Sal Crivelli All Rights Reserved.
All other images not specifically created by SMBFC.Net staff are Registered, Trademarked and Copyright to their respective properties.