By: Brooks - 4/06/04
Almost everyone in Jersey
has spent a significant amount of time in diners. But it appears that
most of these people don't seem to know any diner etiquette. Here's a
few short rules people need to learn:
1. When a waitress asks for a drink order give her the drink order. We
didn't ask you to go into food yet. Tell them you are ready to order
because most of the time, you sound like a jackass if you say you want
a hamburger. Can you drink a hamburger? Didn't think so. We might try
to puree it and force you to drink it through a straw.
2. Don't order milkshakes at one in the morning. We've been there too
many hours to want to take the effort toward making you sugar fiend
scum suckers a stupid milkshake that you usually seem to bitch about
anyway ("this isn't thick enough", "it doesn't have enough chocolate",
"where's the whipped cream?"). We don't have the time or energy to
spend. Usually we just tell people like you that the milkshake machine
is broken and let you whine about it the rest of the night. We really
aren't listening nor caring, if that's all you really wanted.
3. If one person at the table needs a refill on a drink and you need
one to ask right away. Don't send us running back because you suddenly
realized that your coffee cup has been empty for the last five minutes
but failed to say anything the first time. We have an old coffee pot
burning for people like you.
4. Don't EVER snap your fingers, bang a glass, or pick up your cup and
start motioning toward it as if your caffeine fix needs to be filled in
the next five seconds or you may die. We would enjoy watching you start
writhing in pain because you spent 10 minutes without coffee.
5. If we are carrying plates to your table don't ask us for something
while our arms are still full. We obviously can't get it for you right
then and it makes us want to take a ketchup bottle and wing it at your
6. If you see we are busy, quietly wait for us to get to you. Don't
start giving us dirty looks because you think your god. Don't expect us
to suck up to you because you're a customer. The customer is always
wrong at a diner. If you want to be right go to a five star restaurant.
Don't plague us with your useless demands. We don't make enough to wait
on you hand and foot. We are a fucking diner for god's sake.
And if you happen to be one of these stupid people, let a friend order
for you. Don't ask us dumb questions, such as (and these are all true):
- "Does your grilled cheese have meat in it? Because I need it
specially made without meat."
- "Can I have a waffle sundae?" What kind of ice cream do you want on
it? "It comes with Ice cream?!?!"
- "Can you make us a banana split so we can see if it is big enough
before we decide to buy it? After all, we don't want to get ripped
- "I would like the twin lobster tail dinner." At a diner? You have got
to be kidding me. We have it, but why would anyone want to eat it?
- "Is your coffee Columbian? We won't drink anything else."
- "Can I have a screwdriver?" We don't have a liquor license. "Oh. I'll
just have a beer then."
In short, we are waitresses and don't have the time or patience for
your feckless demands. They are trivial to our lives. Ask us nicely,
say thank you, and give us some respect. Most of us work a 12 hour
shift on our feet so, for making our job harder, we reserve the right
to give you shitty service. So next time you're in a diner, put
yourself in our shoes and don't be stupid.